Kari Kampakis
After parenting for 21 years, I've realized my best lessons came from my mistakes.
One big lesson I've learned from parenting teenagers is the need to choose my words and timing well. By nature, I'm pretty direct, but direct words at the wrong time will shut a teenager down. It ruins moments and ends conversations.
I speak from experience, and one example of how I finally got this right happened when my daughter was 15. It was a gorgeous fall day, and as we drove in the car together, we had an amazing conversation. The words flowed easily, and so did the laughter.
But as I parked in the driveway, and glanced over at my daughter to savor the high of our connection, my thoughts suddenly shifted. The sunlight on her face highlighted an area of concern, and immediately, my mind switched into mom mode.
Her acne was back — looking flared up and red.
I opened my mouth to ask if she’d taken her acne medication, but something stopped me. I think it was God, telling me not to go there. Now was not the time, and being direct was not
the way.
Months earlier, when I asked this same question during another breakout, my daughter’s face fell as she answered, “Yes, I’m taking it. I know my face looks terrible.”
She was aware of the issue, she was using her creams and she didn’t need my reminder. Her acne had become a sensitive subject, and after multiple trips to the dermatologist, we were still searching for the best remedy.
When my daughter got out of the car that day still happy from our time together, I knew I’d made the right choice. By holding my tongue, I didn’t ruin the moment or undo the bonding that happened during our car ride. I could save that acne conversation for a later time.
I’ve ruined other moments, however, by blurting out the first thought that came to mind. I’ve spoken carelessly and bluntly and seen the hurt reactions on my daughters’ faces.
Even if we stay on our best behavior for the world, at home we drop our guards. We relax our filters and speak the unvarnished and sometimes painful truth.
While most of us would never intentionally hurt our kids, we often use language that's more hurtful than helpful. But words have power, and the words we speak as moms hold superpowers. With teenagers, who don’t forget what’s said to them, words can wreck a relationship.
Rather than dwell on these mistakes, apologize and do better moving forward. Kids are forgiving when we own up to our part, and as we improve our language at home, we set a higher bar for everyone. We teach our teenagers to be intentional with their words too, to use their power for good and become the kind of person who others respect and want to listen to.
Kari Kubiszyn Kampakis is a mom of four girls, author, speaker, and blogger.
